A few weeks ago, Rebecca Minor the genderspecialist.com shared a post on @bi_invisibility about a specific kind of grief that can come with becoming more honest about who you are. So I started digging and did some research on bisexual grief myself. Among others, I also found a video by Mark from Not Defining on the topic. And honestly, it explained a feeling I think a lot of us Bi+ people are familiar with.
So, what is bisexual grief?
When most people hear the word grief, they think about losing a person. But grief can also be about losing a possibility.
Maybe you figured out you were Bi+ later in life and wish you'd known sooner. Maybe you're in a happy relationship but sometimes feel sad that there are parts of yourself you'll never get to explore in the way you once imagined. Maybe you spent years hiding a part of yourself and wonder what life could have looked like if you'd felt safe enough to be more honest earlier.
It's important to say: That doesn't mean you're unhappy. It doesn't mean you regret your life or your relationship.
Part of what makes this grief so difficult to talk about is that you're often grieving possibilities rather than realities. People generally understand grieving something you've lost. It's harder to explain grieving experiences you never got to have in the first place.
And yet, I think many Bi+ people know exactly what that feeling is like.
You can love the life you have and still grieve the experiences you didn't get to have.
For others, the grief shows up somewhere else. Sometimes becoming more yourself changes things around you. Relationships shift. Family dynamics shift. The version of you that felt easier for other people to understand isn't always the version that feels most authentic. That can be painful, even when being true to yourself is the right thing to do.
What can we do about it?
The thing I found most comforting is acknowledging that there isn't actually a deadline for being Bi+.
There isn't a deadline for joining a Bi+ group. There isn't a deadline for going to Pride. There isn't a deadline for making Bi+ friends, volunteering, finding community online, or finding small ways to express who you are. That can even be something as simple as wearing Bi+ fashion that helps you feel a little more seen in your everyday life. We created our complete collection for exactly that reason.
You can't change the past, none of us can. But you can still live the truest and happiest version of yourself today in the present. And sometimes that's enough to make the grief feel a little lighter.
